Monday, December 20, 2010

Another Sad Niche Magazine

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Avoiding Personal Organization and Increasing Clutter

The other day I had to go to my doctor after discovering yet another disease I probably have (Google is great for this).  


Doctors are so busy nowadays, mine doesn't even let me make appointments anymore.  So I find that if I wait all day I can usually see her when she is walking out to her car to go home.


This time whilst I waited, I grabbed this fascinating magazine: 

Even in Star Trek, patients should always read the label and package inserts

Little known to most viewers, the Trek universe did have it's own version of medical disclaimers.  Due to certain issues that I was plagued with in Church, I choose to only focus on the ones dealing with Viagra-like side effects:


In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – kick Nancy Crater out of your quarters and wash the salt off your junk.


In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – This is completely normal during Pon Farr.  Perhaps call the Nurse in just to make sure everything is ok.


In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – let the bitch run out in front of a car.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

FWD: FWD: FWD: Pllleeeeessseeee!!!!! AL-QAEDA USING EMAIL HOAXES TO KILL CHILDREN AND PUPPIES!!!!!!

I know this is TRUE it was on GOOD MORNING AMERICA, NBC, CBS, ABC, AND THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL and has been verified by SNOPES!!!!


TERROISTS are using EMAIL HOAXES to disseminate intelligence to coordinate suicide attacks against PRESCHOOLERS AND PUPPIES!!!!!


The FBI and HOMELAND SECURITY is desperate to stop this and is asking for your help!!!!  They ask that you would please DO NOT FORWARD ANYMORE HOAX E-MAILS!!!!!!


Just last week, 57 year old Margie Snowrobin of Sarasota Florida forwarded a e-mail to everyone in her family claiming that Barrack Obama was using the Lincoln Bedroom to harvest black market human organs for the Red Chinese.  Unknown to her at the time was that this e-mail actually was the last in a set of instructions to a TERRORIST CELL in Macon Georgia that caused a DAYCARE TO BE DEMOLISHED by a carefully engineered EXPLOSIVE PUPPY!!!!!  Twenty-seven NEGLECTED CHILDREN and eight unmarriageable and uneducated women lost their lives.


Upon hearing of this Margie promptly licked all the tops of a six pack of coca cola and immediately DIED since she did not wash the RAT PISS off of the tops of the cans.




Last month in Sacramento California, 73 year old Margaret Mooseknuckle of Mesa Arizona forwarded a email to her entire address book which claimed that there was a computer virus out there that would delete your entire hard drive as well as key sequences of your DNA, causing your offspring to be born spastic midgets with learning disabilities.


This email was actually A CODED MESSAGE TO A TERRORIST CELL in Batavia Ohio which triggered an attack on a PUPPY STORE using a carefully engineered EXPLOSIVE CHILD!!!!!  Thirty-five neglected PUPPIES and five unmarriageable and uneducated women lost their lives!!!!!


Mrs Mooseknuckle was so distraught that she went right out and drove in the SNOW with her CRUISE CONTROL ON! Her car immediately EXPLODED and the car swerved off the road and plummeted onto a beached whale!




So PLEEESSSEEEEE don't forward any more of these HOAX emails!!!!  IF YOU DO - YOU ARE KILLING PUPPIES AND LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!


PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.  ALSO, GO THROUGH ALL OF YOUR DELETED EMAIL AND COPY DOWN ALL THE EMAIL ADDRESSES THAT WERE ALSO IN THE "TO" SECTION OF EVERY E-MAIL YOU HAVE EVER RECEIVED AND ADD THOSE TOO!!!!!!!




For more hoaxes:
Please help with important research!


Help me use sharp objects on my genitalia




Friday, November 5, 2010

Joe's wife got "rooted"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Oh, you are part Indian? How quaint...

I was talking to my friend David Berkowitz the other day and I mentioned that I was part Swedish.  He tells me he was part German and Irish.  And he adds: Oh, a little bit of Indian too.

That got me thinking.  Every time that this comes up in conversation, I've got some person telling me that they are part Indian.

How is this possible?  Just exactly how much “Indian on Pioneer” sex was going on anyways?  Is that where the term “American Indian” came from?  Is that an American getting nailed by an Indian?

So, how did this work? 

I can see it going like this:

Pioneer:  I trade pretty glass beads and firewater for all this land – far as the eye can see

Chief:  That good deal – also fuk-em you squaws

Pioneer:  Well, that goes without saying

This stuff didn’t make it into the history books.  What did make it into the books was horribly misrepresented, like “the Little Big Horn”.  *That* sure is transparent.  I imagine that “The massacre at Wounded Knee” was some sort of Monica Lewinsky thing.

Anyways, I thought we “beat” the Indians – how is it that they’re nailing *our* chicks?  If anything, Indians should be going around telling everybody that they are 85% Cherokee and 15% Dutch-Irish or something.

There are people out there that say we stole America from the Indians – our collective family trees say otherwise.

Porn at work?


I read where a some guy got fired from his job for what he was looking at on the internet.  No, it wasn’t porn – just girls in bikinis.  That is harsh.  But if someone complains – nowadays you got real problems.

It just makes me think – what is the Internet usage policy at say a place like Hustler?

At Hustler corporate headquarters, is someone going to complain if they walk by your office and see a split beaver on your screen?  

If you are the guy in charge of photoshopping the cellulite off of Lindsay Lohan’s crotch – you may end up fired as well as blinded.

If they *do* have a “relaxed” attitude there – is there anything that *is* out of bounds?  What would you have to do to test the limits at Hustler?

They may even be encouraged to “monitor” the competition.

Someone walks into your office and finds you fapping to porn – you just tell them that you are working and to come back in three minutes.

That also makes me wonder…  at a normal business like say McDonalds corporate headquarters, they have people who taste the products, try them out, report back, etc…

Is there a job like that at Hustler?  Do they have a group of horny guys that they feed these pictures to.  To see which ones “work” the best?  Just fapping all day for money . . .

I want that job. I’m ready to give up my amateur status.  Draft me boys! 

Friday, October 29, 2010

Help a mother in pain find her child

This poor lady has lost her dear child - it is up to us to help her.  Please do not judge her, which of us has not woken up from a three day bender to find a kid missing?  


I was babysitting once and passed out, woke up on a Russian trawler in the North Sea covered with Sanskrit tattoos.  But I don't talk about that year of my life.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Need Roommate - must like cats - and being groomed by cats

Seems everyone is trying hard to make ends meat these days.  The thing is, can you *really* "make" meat?  And just what is "ends meat" anyways?  It does not sound too appetizing to me.  Sounds like something you throw away or feed to visiting relatives.  Why would you want more of it?


Oh, and this guy needs a roommate.  Help him out if you can.



Thursday, October 7, 2010

Losing a wallet: Are you *sure* you want it back?

If you ask for help, you invite in the world.  Sometimes there are people in the world you don't want anywhere near you.  This is one of those times.



Maybe craigslist is not the best place to shop for homegoods

When you know that a fellow human being needs help, and you can help them - how can you not?  With that in mind I regularly monitor the local craigslist:wanted section to see if I can help my fellow man.  Such help is often misunderstood and unappreciated however.



Monday, September 27, 2010

After Party Surprise

Since my favorite craigslist section was removed under governmental pressure, I usually confine my viewing to "free stuff" (my trailer still needs a rug to really tie the room together).     But occasionally I mis-click and I end up in another category.  Today I found myself in the "missed connections" category and found this:



Saturday, September 25, 2010

Children's Books - Not the final version

I was in the local book store to use the bathroom and they were having an incredible sale on children's books - apparently they had been mistakenly sent early versions of these books instead of the final sale copies.  I honestly think the publishers should have kept these earlier versions...





This early version really dealt with some dark issues, but they chickened out and changed it to whiny girl problems

Nothing gets in between me and my polyester paints

Respecting your elders is important.  Opportunities for service are all around you.  Each day I go up to my Great-Grandmother's attic to loosen her bindings and also change her food *and* waste buckets (my lazy half-sister usually just switches them).  I normally use this opportunity to dig through her old trunks looking for pawnable items.  Yesterday I found this queer old poster from 1938 with some completely random woman on it.  I posted it below:







Thursday, September 23, 2010

Pest control you can trust . . .

Had a odd gentleman come by the trailer yesterday peddling his Pest Control business.  I'm thinking I may hire him as I do have a gypsy moth problem...



Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Don't hit me bro!

This poster is about some guy I knew in school.  Who is dead.  So, definitely NOT about anyone famous.  I can't be sued for that.  Right?

Top Ten

Once I was behind the NBC studios in New York rummaging the dumpster for some lunch and I found these papers from the David Letterman Show stuck in an soiled adult diaper.  Anyways they were stamped "Rejected: Too Funny".  I saved them and here they are:

Different takes on the news

I found these two unrelated stories on MSN the other day...


Friday, September 17, 2010

Chinese food is great

I found this in the dumpster behind my favorite chinese restaurant.  Think I should tell someone?  I think I will mind my own business, I don't want the place getting so busy that I can't get a table when I want.



Please help with important research!

Part of the purpose of this blog is to keep my readers aware of any exciting opportunities I may come across.  Normally I would be the first to step up and provide my cats for this guy's experiments, but I am afraid it would spoil the results of the experiments that I am already performing on them.  



How to get your psychologist fired

I was desperately searching the internet for herpes cures and I accidentally clicked the wrong thing.  This odd letter template showed up.





Dear : [name of facility director]




I just wanted to take this opportunity to give proper notice to you of the excellent treatment that I have received in the care of one of your doctors; [Name of psych]

I have seen many different mental health professionals in the last 23 years; each with their own merits.  With past councilors there was always immediate pressure to examine the early childhood traumas I endured, as well as my four failed marriages.  You could understand how this would be uncomfortable to discuss with a stranger and just lead to a build-up of resistance. 

Because of [his/her] unique style of therapy, [Name of psych] is the only councilor that I have seen for more than three sessions. 

I attribute our amazing connection to [Name of psych]’s method that [he/she] calls “Reversal Therapy”.  Right from the opening minutes of our first session we started using this method.  When I started down the old boring path of telling [Name of psych] about my witnessing beating death of my Mother; [he/she] would not hear of it.  Instead of opening this old wound, we instead talked about [Name of psych]’s awkward first kiss and the trauma associated with this abnormal family liaison.

You see, [Name of psych] was brilliantly able to shift the focus from myself (where it selfishly resided) to someone else’s problems.  Allowing me to find parallels in my own life.

Instead of needlessly dwelling on my lifelong problems with trust and commitment, [Name of psych] redirected the conversation to a subject less personally threatening to me: [his/her] early development of puberty and the unwanted (but reluctantly accepted) sexual advances that followed. Although I have yet to find a parallel to this in my life, I will never look at farm animals the same way again.

When I selfishly tried to bring up my relatively petty unhappiness with my Father and his habit of beating me for leaving my closet or trying to communicate with someone outside the compound; [Name of psych] bravely revealed (over parts of 14 sessions) [his/her] difficulty with achieving sexual satisfaction and of [his/her] resulting gender confusion.  

When I think of all the other counselors who were too selfish to share their emotional struggles, I despair that many truly sick people are not getting the help they need.

Because of [Name of psych]’s work with me, I now only rarely think of reconnecting with the children I abandoned in my four failed marriages.  Instead I spend my time thinking of ways that [Name of psych] can finally get back at that skinny bitch intake nurse on the 6th floor. 

It should not be inferred that faults in myself have gone unexamined.  Apparently I am to blame for my past failures in treatment.  I now know that I was very undisciplined in my posture and manner with those other councilors.  

With [Name of psych]’s constant (and sometimes aggressively abusive) constructive criticism, I now am able to concentrate on holding a rigid posture during the entire session as well as completely avoiding eye contact.  The eye contact part is apparently key.  I never before knew that doctors were offended by their unworthy patients having the temerity to “bore into their souls” through the eyes.  I plan to send written apologies to my past doctors, using the special language symbols that [Name of psych] says “that doctors use amongst themselves to hide their contempt for you”.

I am really looking forward to phase two of the therapy where through hard physical labor, I can finally free myself from my obsessive need to find “happiness” - this I now know to be a “cruel prank sold to the masses by the corporations to enslave us”. 

Again, [Name of psych] has personally given up a small part of [himself/herself] by providing an opportunity for many chores and odd jobs at [his/her] private home. If only other mental health providers cared enough to provide such healing opportunities! I look forward to “getting better through servitude”.

I have to go know, I hear the bell ringing so I'll have to stop grouting this tub and go give [Name of psych] [his/her] spongebath.

Warmly,

[Your Name Here]

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Make money and friends by selling on Craigslist

I see these great deals on craigslist all the time - you guys should jump on this one!



Complete women's outfit w/accessories - $25 (Silverton)

Date: 2009-11-01, 1:58PM EST
Reply to: sale-nfgp7-1446859410@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


As the title says. Nice outfit; definitely very sexy and alluring. The kind of outfit that tells the world: "Even though we just pass in the hall; I would love you forever and never hurt you". If you are a late-twenties professional lady who looks like my mother and likes to tease that sullen loner in your apartment building; then this outfit is for you!

Outfit is a size 6 and includes:

Red Blouse (there are numerous cuts in the chest area - easily patched)
Tan slacks
Black blazer
Tan socks
Black shoes with buckle (broken heel - not great for running, hehe)
Tan purse (included is lipstick, keys, mints, loose change, mace [didn't work], and wallet [no money, sorry])
Ladies wristwatch (lens cracked and time stuck at 12:45am, Oct 30)
Fashionable eyeglasses (slightly smashed)
Several teeth
Lock of hair

All clothes have been laundered repeatedly.

If interested, please send face pic.

No fattys

We can meet at a private, neutral site. Maybe a parking garage or alley. 


Help me use sharp objects on my genitalia

One of your neighbors needs your help.  I'd do it, but three failed attempts at home veterinary surgery have convinced me that these things are better left to strangers you find on the internet.


Genocidal HP tech support

I was rolling a passed out bum for some change and I found this transcript in his pocket.  I think he used to work for either NASA or Taco Bell.

Beware the Norwegian and his "linux" loving ways

Sometimes you see arguments on the internet that we all have a personal stake in.  In this argument over an obscure operating system called "linux" (which is only used in tiny pockets of the world on very unimportant computers,) we have a warning for any of you that may ever deal with a Norwegian.

Dell tech support requires special handling

I got a e-mail out of the blue advising me on the availablility of certain herbal products - "D.OCTOR APPROVED PILL WILL ENLARG3 YOUR P@*is !"  I have no idea what my "P@*is" is, but this was too good of a deal to pass up.  When the crates arrived, this strange Dell tech support transcript was part of the packing material.  Here it is:


The Federation's Most Wanted

E-machines loves their customers like Mark David Chapman loves John Lennon.

I was earning some money by washing car windshields at a busy intersection and I noticed that one of the papers I was smearing all over the windows had a eMachines tech support transcript on it.