Sunday, November 21, 2010

Avoiding Personal Organization and Increasing Clutter

The other day I had to go to my doctor after discovering yet another disease I probably have (Google is great for this).  

Doctors are so busy nowadays, mine doesn't even let me make appointments anymore.  So I find that if I wait all day I can usually see her when she is walking out to her car to go home.

This time whilst I waited, I grabbed this fascinating magazine: 

Even in Star Trek, patients should always read the label and package inserts

Little known to most viewers, the Trek universe did have it's own version of medical disclaimers.  Due to certain issues that I was plagued with in Church, I choose to only focus on the ones dealing with Viagra-like side effects:

In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – kick Nancy Crater out of your quarters and wash the salt off your junk.

In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – This is completely normal during Pon Farr.  Perhaps call the Nurse in just to make sure everything is ok.

In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – let the bitch run out in front of a car.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I know this is TRUE it was on GOOD MORNING AMERICA, NBC, CBS, ABC, AND THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL and has been verified by SNOPES!!!!

TERROISTS are using EMAIL HOAXES to disseminate intelligence to coordinate suicide attacks against PRESCHOOLERS AND PUPPIES!!!!!

The FBI and HOMELAND SECURITY is desperate to stop this and is asking for your help!!!!  They ask that you would please DO NOT FORWARD ANYMORE HOAX E-MAILS!!!!!!

Just last week, 57 year old Margie Snowrobin of Sarasota Florida forwarded a e-mail to everyone in her family claiming that Barrack Obama was using the Lincoln Bedroom to harvest black market human organs for the Red Chinese.  Unknown to her at the time was that this e-mail actually was the last in a set of instructions to a TERRORIST CELL in Macon Georgia that caused a DAYCARE TO BE DEMOLISHED by a carefully engineered EXPLOSIVE PUPPY!!!!!  Twenty-seven NEGLECTED CHILDREN and eight unmarriageable and uneducated women lost their lives.

Upon hearing of this Margie promptly licked all the tops of a six pack of coca cola and immediately DIED since she did not wash the RAT PISS off of the tops of the cans.

Last month in Sacramento California, 73 year old Margaret Mooseknuckle of Mesa Arizona forwarded a email to her entire address book which claimed that there was a computer virus out there that would delete your entire hard drive as well as key sequences of your DNA, causing your offspring to be born spastic midgets with learning disabilities.

This email was actually A CODED MESSAGE TO A TERRORIST CELL in Batavia Ohio which triggered an attack on a PUPPY STORE using a carefully engineered EXPLOSIVE CHILD!!!!!  Thirty-five neglected PUPPIES and five unmarriageable and uneducated women lost their lives!!!!!

Mrs Mooseknuckle was so distraught that she went right out and drove in the SNOW with her CRUISE CONTROL ON! Her car immediately EXPLODED and the car swerved off the road and plummeted onto a beached whale!

So PLEEESSSEEEEE don't forward any more of these HOAX emails!!!!  IF YOU DO - YOU ARE KILLING PUPPIES AND LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!


For more hoaxes:
Please help with important research!

Help me use sharp objects on my genitalia

Friday, November 5, 2010

Joe's wife got "rooted"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Oh, you are part Indian? How quaint...

I was talking to my friend David Berkowitz the other day and I mentioned that I was part Swedish.  He tells me he was part German and Irish.  And he adds: Oh, a little bit of Indian too.

That got me thinking.  Every time that this comes up in conversation, I've got some person telling me that they are part Indian.

How is this possible?  Just exactly how much “Indian on Pioneer” sex was going on anyways?  Is that where the term “American Indian” came from?  Is that an American getting nailed by an Indian?

So, how did this work? 

I can see it going like this:

Pioneer:  I trade pretty glass beads and firewater for all this land – far as the eye can see

Chief:  That good deal – also fuk-em you squaws

Pioneer:  Well, that goes without saying

This stuff didn’t make it into the history books.  What did make it into the books was horribly misrepresented, like “the Little Big Horn”.  *That* sure is transparent.  I imagine that “The massacre at Wounded Knee” was some sort of Monica Lewinsky thing.

Anyways, I thought we “beat” the Indians – how is it that they’re nailing *our* chicks?  If anything, Indians should be going around telling everybody that they are 85% Cherokee and 15% Dutch-Irish or something.

There are people out there that say we stole America from the Indians – our collective family trees say otherwise.

Porn at work?

I read where a some guy got fired from his job for what he was looking at on the internet.  No, it wasn’t porn – just girls in bikinis.  That is harsh.  But if someone complains – nowadays you got real problems.

It just makes me think – what is the Internet usage policy at say a place like Hustler?

At Hustler corporate headquarters, is someone going to complain if they walk by your office and see a split beaver on your screen?  

If you are the guy in charge of photoshopping the cellulite off of Lindsay Lohan’s crotch – you may end up fired as well as blinded.

If they *do* have a “relaxed” attitude there – is there anything that *is* out of bounds?  What would you have to do to test the limits at Hustler?

They may even be encouraged to “monitor” the competition.

Someone walks into your office and finds you fapping to porn – you just tell them that you are working and to come back in three minutes.

That also makes me wonder…  at a normal business like say McDonalds corporate headquarters, they have people who taste the products, try them out, report back, etc…

Is there a job like that at Hustler?  Do they have a group of horny guys that they feed these pictures to.  To see which ones “work” the best?  Just fapping all day for money . . .

I want that job. I’m ready to give up my amateur status.  Draft me boys!