Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Genocidal HP tech support

I was rolling a passed out bum for some change and I found this transcript in his pocket.  I think he used to work for either NASA or Taco Bell.

Problem: Cannot boot from Intel SSD
[An agent will be with you shortly.]
[You are now chatting with Vince Dash .]

Vince Dash : Welcome to HP Total Care for Notebooks. My name is Vince. Please give me a few moments while I review your problem description details.

NOTE: For security reasons, PLEASE DO NOT send credit card information via chat.

Vince Dash : Hello Thadius.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Hello

Vince Dash : How are you today?

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Not great

Vince Dash : Let me assure you that I will do my best to assist you.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Lets hope that is enough

Vince Dash : Could you elaborate the issue you are having with the notebook?

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I'm trying to install a Intel SSD drive in it but the laptop will not finish POST with it installed.

Vince Dash : I must inform you that we do not have any information about third party hardware. However I 
will try my best to assist you with the issue you are having.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Go ahead

Vince Dash : To assist you further, may I know the product number and serial number of your Notebook? You can check these numbers on a non-Microsoft sticker when you flip the notebook over. Please provide the numbers beside s/n and p/n on the sticker.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : How important is that info - it is not that convenient

Vince Dash : With that data, I can check the notebook specifications..

Thadius Garfunkelstein : dv6t-2100 / xxxxxxxxx

Vince Dash : Thank you for the information.
Vince Dash : Please give me a few moments to check the notebook details and also I will research the issue.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : This is a bit time-sensitive.

Vince Dash : Thank you for your time.
Vince Dash : Thadius, from the information I have found...
Vince Dash : It is suggested that you install the latest BIOS and Chipset drivers for the notebook and then try using the SSD.
Vince Dash : I will give you the links to download the drivers.
Vince Dash : Could you confirm the oprerating system of your notebook?

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I HAVE updated to the newest bios. This laptop is running Windows 7 x64 as I already put in to the form. The chipset drivers would have no bearing as the laptop will not even complete post. It just hangs with "ESC" in the bottom left of the screen.

Vince Dash : Thadius, you have performed all the possible steps and the issue still persists.
Vince Dash : We do not have further information about the hardware.
Vince Dash : You can try contacting the hardware manufacturer of the SSD drive.
Vince Dash : Is there anything else regarding your notebook, that I can assist you with now?

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. This is an emergency situation. I am the lead research scientist currently serving on the International Space Station. This laptop controls all of our enviormental controls and if I don't get it to work we will soon run out of oxygen. The CO2 level is also dangerously high.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : The original hard drive went bad and I do not have the proper HP spare onboard. This Intel SSD is all I have. Please help us or we will all die. And it will be HP's fault. Your name will be in the paper.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Vision getting blurry... so hard to breathe...

Vince Dash : Thadius, I am sorry to hear that you are in such situation.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : If only this laptop had access to standard bios settings like "legacy/AHCI" for the hard drive options like every other laptop in the world. Are you sure that there is not a hidden method to access more "advanced" bios settings. This is important. People are dying here.

Vince Dash : Give me a moment I will search for the settings..

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Suffocation is a terrible way to die Vince. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Vince Dash : I am trying my best from my side.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I'm going to start typing with only one hand now - to save oxygen. Please hurry...

Vince Dash : Okay.
Vince Dash : Try the following steps in your notebook:
Vince Dash : Disable the native-SATA in the BIOS
Vince Dash : If the BIOS provides an option to disable the native-SATA configuration in the BIOS, do the following steps.

Vince Dash : 1)Turn off the computer.

2)Press the power button and press f10 to open the BIOS Setup.

Vince Dash : 3)Use the cursor to navigate the Configuration options to locate the Native-SATA setting.

4)If there is a SATA setting, select the Disable option, and then press F10 to save the change and restart the computer.
If there is no SATA setting, use one of the other options in this document to change the settings.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I don't have that setting available. It should be there, but for some reason HP decided that it would not be safe to let the owner of the laptop have access to such things.

Vince Dash : Oh!

Thadius Garfunkelstein : What document is that?

Vince Dash : What is the model of SSD hard drive you are trying to use?
Vince Dash : http://h10025.www1.hp.com/ewfrf/wc/document?docname=c00758841&dlc=en&lc=en&cc=us

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Intel X25-M V2 160gb

Vince Dash : In that link, you can check:

"Disable SATA native mode"

Thadius Garfunkelstein : The worst thing about this is losing all the research we have been doing! Did you know that we are just a few days away from creating a inexpensive drug that will cure all cancers? Billions will die of cancer because of the choices that HP took away from me in the computer bios. That is sad.  Your company is committing genocide.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : It does not look like I can do anything with those instructions. If you don't have that setting available, all of the further instructions pertain to laptops that shipped with windows XP.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : Please hurry - vision getting dim....

Vince Dash : I am checking for the details..

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I’m not supposed to tell anyone; but you are a good guy and you deserve to know…  We have a LOT of nukes on this thing.  And if we die, the whole station will re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere and I’m guessing that your country will be one of the ones destroyed.

Vince Dash : I need to discuss this with my supervisor.  Please give me a few moments.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I’ll hold out as long as I can.  Tell me what country you are in and I will try to steer the station away from your family.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I hope we don’t land in a volcano – in that case the entire Earth will explode.  And it will be HP’s fault.

Thadius Garfunkelstein : I’M BURNING VINCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thadius Garfunkelstein : AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGG…….

Thadius Garfunkelstein : s^@$[CARRIER LOST]

[This chat session is no longer active. Please start another chat session.]

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