Tuesday, September 14, 2010

E-machines loves their customers like Mark David Chapman loves John Lennon.

I was earning some money by washing car windshields at a busy intersection and I noticed that one of the papers I was smearing all over the windows had a eMachines tech support transcript on it.



You are chatting to John
Customer name: Maximus Johnsoningtonberg
Contact Reason: Need to update bios

John: Thank you for contacting eMachines Live Chat. My name is John. Please hold while I review your issue.

John: Hi Maximus.

John: How are you today?

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I am looking for the download section of the emachine website for the emonster 500a

John: eMachines does not support BIOS upgrades, unless available from our web site. To check for the availability click here. If not available, then we don't have any more information on bios upgrades. Improper installation of a BIOS upgrade can damage the machine irreparably. Upgrading your BIOS is NOT recommended unless it will resolve a specific issue you are having. BIOS updates should only be performed by experienced computer technicians. NOTE: Damage due to flashing the BIOS will void any and all warranties.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Can you type out that link? I cannot right-click on it and I do not want to leave this page.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Wait a second; on that page there are NO links to download anything; check it yourself. No drivers of ANY kind.

John: What are specific drivers you would like to obtain Maximus?

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I don't want to play this game; if it exists, please direct me to a page that has downloads for this particular model. Thanks.

John: I cannot provide you specific links where you can download the device drivers.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Why is that? I am a computer support technician and I have never encountered a system manufacturer that hid this information.

John: Do you have the Restore CD available Maximus?

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Are you contractually restrained from answering a direct question?

John: the device drivers are located on the Restore CD.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Is there a bios update available for this motherboard?

John: eMachines does not support BIOS upgrades, unless available from our web site. To check for the availability click here. If not available, then we don't have any more information on bios upgrades. Improper installation of a BIOS upgrade can damage the machine irreparably. Upgrading your BIOS is NOT recommended unless it will resolve a specific issue you are having. BIOS updates should only be performed by experienced computer technicians. NOTE: Damage due to flashing the BIOS will void any and all warranties.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Is there a bios update available for this motherboard? Possible answers: YES or NO Please pick one.

John: There are currently no recommended BIOS changes or updates listed for your computer. Changing the default settings in BIOS could cause the computer to become unbootable and it is not recommended. eMachines does not have or support any changes for the BIOS.

John: Please be advised that if you choose to update your BIOS with an update not posted on the eMachines website, the original BIOS flash for your system will not be available from eMachines

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Where are you?

John: at Magna, Utah

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Are you this difficult with your wives?  On a different note - this lack of support makes me angry; can you understand my frustration?

John: I understand your concern Maximus, however, as mentioned there are currently no recommended BIOS updgrades for your system.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I know this is not your fault; but no one can MAKE you work for a crappy company where you are prevented from providing quality customer service. Is the job market that bad?

John: I see.

John: So Maximus, would there be anything else i could help you with?

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: How long have you worked there?

John: i understand your concern, however, we do not entertain this type of question.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Ok, how about this: What company are you directly employed by? I know it cannot be emachines.

John: I apologize Maximus, we do not entertain this type of question.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I notice that no matter what emachine system I pick that there does not appear to be any downloads at all. Given this information; why would I be directed to the product info pages in response to a download question?

John: Some systems may or may not have driver downloads as eMachines may have not uploaded the drivers for the syste.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I don't think I have ever chatted with someone who was unable to "entertain" ANY sort of question that did not have a cut and paste answer. Tell me the truth; do they have a gun to your head? I'll call the police for you - just say the word.

John: Definitely none.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: What is it like to work in an environment where the slightest wrong word can get you fired and where your every move is monitored and scrutinized. Is your boss the mafia or is it the KGB? I know it must be one of those because any actual business would know you cannot treat users this way and make any money. Pissing people off is not a valid business model.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: btw, I successfully updated the bios with a file off of a underground pirate website that will probably be crushed if someone finds out that they are helping emachine users. They had downloads, bios files, manuals. Just a hobby site that sprung up in response to the apparent hatred your company has for people stupid enough to buy their products.

John: I see. However, as aforementioned above that if you choose to update your BIOS with an update not posted on the eMachines website, the original BIOS flash for your system will not be available from eMachines

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I will have the apologize now, I looked at the back of the case and there is a sticker that explains the whole thing. The sticker says: You are on you own now. By purchasing this machine you have proven yourself unworthy of any sort of consideration or human kindness. You will be treated as a rabid dog for now on; thanks for shopping with emachines!

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: This just goes to show you; RTFM works every time.

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: Oh, thats another thing; they also have the original bios images. Just in case. Now that I think of it; I only know of one computer manufacturer that does not offer original bios files for free download. I'll give you one guess who it is....

Maximus Johnsoningtonberg: I have to go now John; I have a turtle-head sticking out. I am really sorry that you have such a shitty job and sincerely hope your supervisors go to hell and burn for all eternity. Wouldn't that be great? You don't have to answer; but if you agree - just paste a canned good-bye text into the chat window.

John: Once again thank you for contacting eMachine's Live Chat. My name is John. Feel free to chat again anytime and have a great day.

Your chat session has been stopped by agent

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