Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Top Ten

Once I was behind the NBC studios in New York rummaging the dumpster for some lunch and I found these papers from the David Letterman Show stuck in an soiled adult diaper.  Anyways they were stamped "Rejected: Too Funny".  I saved them and here they are:

Top Ten Things Bob Barker Can Say Now That He’s Retiring

10        “I’ve been making up these prices for years!”
9          “I’m running for President in ’08; ask me how much a gallon of Milk is – I dare you”
8          “It’s true, steroids is what extended my career”
7          “I have stock in a pet neutering conglomerate”
6          “No, that is not the price, it’s not even close.  Why are you wasting my time?”
5          “I’m getting a little apprehensive about that picture I bought from Dorian Gray”
4          “I’ve won; I outlived that bastard Tom Poston”
3          “Now I’m off to resume my search for the One-Armed Man”
2          “Now that Anna Nicole Smith is dead; why go on”?
1          “I’m going to Washington to get those Bozos at the Federal Reserve straightened out”

Top Ten Surprises In "Spider-Man 3"

10        “It’s not as good as the first two”
9          “Willem Dafoe still ugly”
8          “Bruce Campbell still better actor than Ben Affleck”
7          “Dead characters still getting more lines than Steven Segal”
6          “Huge sandman modeled after Donald Trumps ego”
5          “J. Jonah Jameson still hates Spiderman; calls Geraldo to dig up dirt”
4          “Like GW Bush; also gets caught in a web of lies”
3          “The Black Flag tie-in is a little too obvious”
2          “The A-Team are suing; full-scale armed combat with no deaths a copyrighted trademark.
1          “They bring in Jack Nicholson as The Joker to “save” the movie

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Stockbroker

10        “Keeps talking about trading Boardwalk for Mediterranean Avenue
9          “When he talks; no one listens”
8          “He is not at all of your family functions”
7          “He lives in a cardboard box financed with Delta Stock”
6          “He wears a ‘Communism Rules, Capitalism Drools’ T-Shirt”
5          “Drives a Mint condition 1988 Yugo”
4          “You overhear him telling one of his buddies that he made a killing in 'quatloos' last year”
3          “He gambles on Pro Football and Dog fights; both in the same location”
2          “He lists wooden nickels as a ‘BUY’”
1          “He keeps movie ‘Wall Street” running in a loop in his office”

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