The Great Wolf Lodge's war on illegal drugs, sodomy, and me . . .

Great Wolf Lodge: Fierce blood-thirsty
predators will keep your kids in line

I was looking into an extended stay at the Great Wolf Lodge (an indoor family water park and hotel, where there are certainly no cameras in the showers) while my house is being fumigated. That's a weird story in itself - the first exterminator I called ran out of my house screaming - wait, I should have worded that better - Ok, he did run out of my house (which I call 'House Screaming'), but I'm pretty sure he was only whimpering at that point. I mean yes, he did scream a little at first, but by the time he got out the door he was out of breath. I think he might have hyperventilated there a bit. Isn't that strange? I mean air is good for you, so why wouldn't a lot of air be better? 

Just gimme a little taste . . .

You would think so, but as the insulin battle I had with my grandmother taught me, you really can have too much of a good thing - the paramedics, police, medical examiner, and judge were all very clear on that point. 

Apparently, *I* was
the one out of order

They also said something about my Grandmother being more of what you would call a random stranger, and she wasn't even diabetic! 

So, why did she want the insulin sooo much? I could tell she wanted it. Sure, she fought a bit at first - but just for show. 

My lawyers claimed they had never seen the phrases "defensive wounds" and "livestock syringe" together in so many places in a trial transcript. So, there's that.

I hear that fences make
good neighbors . . .

Anyways, about an hour after the first exterminator rudely drove through my neighbor's yard in his haste to leave, several FEMA trucks showed up, and about twenty guys in bio-hazard suits poured out like roaches from a Denny's. Then they just started lobbing tear gas canisters into my house. Why does this keep happening to me?

Fortunately, I was across the street hiding in my neighbor's bushes (it was a Tuesday after all). 
She just flaunts what she has, clearly she doesn't care who sees. 

I mean, she has to know that if anyone peers through the .25" gap between her blinds (after jamming your head under the security bars) that they could literally see everything in the upper right side of her pantry. So, it's like right in your face.

Each time this happens it gets harder for
me to get my damage deposit back

Anyways, after watching them burn down my house (and the two houses on either side of mine) with flamethrowers, I realized that I needed temporary housing. 


And yes, had they asked, I certainly would have been forthcoming about the tied up nuns and pipe bombs in the basement. 

Normally I would just house-sit for that neighbor of mine that lives half the year in Florida, but he fired me and changed the locks. Well, fired might not be the right word. Actually, prosecuted might be a better fit there. Yeah, prosecuted. I always get those two mixed up, I've heard them used together so often.

Can you make the letters bigger?
My blindness is acting up today

So, I contacted the Great Wolf Lodge's chat support. But did they care that what used to be my house is now a fifty foot deep concrete pad, surrounded by several layers of barbed wire fence and armed guard? 

No they couldn't care less:

The perfect ending to a Great Wolf day

Fixing Wikipedia - Troy Boyle revealed?

Man, that was a mean Tranny!

I was searching Wikipedia for ways to neutralize the mace that got sprayed in my eyes while doing pro bono quality control at Victoria's Secret this morning, and I happened upon a article on a former co-worker of mine.

Since it was quite sparse on details, I took the opportunity to flesh it out a bit. I think you'll agree that this is much better than the original; as the former version was based on reality.

I know that Troy is happy with the changes I have made, because he has been calling to thank me repeatedly for the last several hours. Now that I am done posting this, I will finally be able to answer the phone.

Oh, and Troy, when you read this, bear in mind that I no longer live where I used to.

The Police can't excavate your
basement - if you don't have one.

Don't waste your time looking for me, I don't often park my home in the same shopping center for more than a day or two.

Listen to Drew Stubbs - He has your back

Scott Bolander, stand up comedian?

Should crazy people be allowed on the internet? Read and decide for yourself

(Be sure to click on words with links, they are an important part of the article)


I was cruising the interwebs and happened across a article concerning some political thing or something. After I finished consuming the propaganda (there really should be a Urban Spoon for that, am I right?), I happened to scroll down to the comments - which I normally do when I'm out of liquor and I need to feel better about myself.


I was rewarded with one of the richest troves of insane conspiracy theories that has ever graced the internet. 


A Tangled Web They Weave is the product of the diseased mind of one Aaron Fleszar, a sadly disturbed individual who may or may not be blogging from the cellar of a hospital for the criminally insane.


I wanted to start this off by providing a concise summary of Aaron's political philosphy, but after reading through his disconnected rants, I find that it is impossible to distill down to any particular sort of crazy. He does not seem to lean left or right, but spews nuttiness in most every direction.


Full disclosure: I'm a card carrying member of the Nation Woman's Party myself. While I have no current plans to become a transvestite, were I to do so, I'd like to be around other "ladies" who'd make me look better by comparison.


Lets start with his opener:

There is an extensive code online of anagrams and look alikes put together by the wealthiest people in the world with the goal of electing their spokesperson (Obama) to represent the interests of big business. They may be considered The New World Order, Masons, Illuminati, Al-Qaeda, or all secret societies working together. I won't label them. You are welcome to form your own opinion.

Seems pretty solid so far. Let's continue:

 After reading this please call the FBI and ask that they quit creating crimes against humanity by threatening and torturing myself and my family 24 hours a day for the last 3 years and 9 months. I'm tired of the death threats and being unable to sue the living shit out everyone including undercover "agent" Trenton High School class of 1994 graduate Shawn McDonald who continues to bully me online and threaten me. He has committed hundreds of crimes against me after more then a decade of targeting. He's cost me jobs, relationships, and has destroyed my credit claiming that I broke the law.  (For Shawn) If you think I broke the law Shawn you worthless sack of shit prove it in a court of law you coward lowlife. (Because of this statement and leaking the truth about the made up stories in the news in addition to the polling numbers and "surges" they used "DIE BOLD" vote counting machines in the New Hampshire Caucuses, another implied threat)

The only mistake I see so far is that he neglected to list the FBI's phone number. Here it is if you would like to stop the end of the world: (508) 543-8200.

What a high school FBI agent might look like

I'll be honest, I'd never before considered that the FBI might be planting undercover agents in my local high school, but if they did, I'm pretty sure that they would immediately target schizophrenics people like Aaron Flezsar for harassment. I mean, why wouldn't they? I stand with Aaron and proudly proclaim my willingness to lay down my life to protect his right to shout profanities at strangers on the street and to slap at the invisible butterflies circling his head. 

Lincoln points out flying truck with
CIA logo

When Abraham Lincoln gave his life to save us from the Greeks in that war a long time ago, I know that he was thinking of schizophrenics people like Aaron Flezsar when he jumped in front of that flying truck to save Edith Keeler. Take that Mr. Hitler.

After nailing his persuasive argument on the dangers of the FBI, Shawn McDonald, and Haldol, Aaron goes on to examine the connection (obvious in hindsight) between Sarah Palin and South Florida politician Fidel Castro. Now I know what you're thinking: Finally, someone who says the things that I've been thinking all along! 


He could have stopped there, but that's not the sort of stuff that Aaron Fleszar is made of, no sir! Here is his proof, point by point and irrefutable:

Sarah Palin during a signing of her book Going Rogue

Communist Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro

The code I will continue to reveal here was rapped around Sarah Palin in the last election. This information was supplied to the Feds at the end of March in 2008 about 6 months prior to the election. In order to successfully elected Obama I believe those behind his campaign determined who his opponent would be. Once McCain got the nomination as the GOP candidate, Sarah Palin was planted as his running mate to draw chatter from this organization. She was inserted into the election at a 45 degree angle so this group would question whether or not she was aligned with them.

Code or coincidence?
Sarah Palin and John McCain claimed to be a Mavericks
Mark Cuban owns the Dallas Mavericks
Obama claims his basketball name was Barack O'Bomber
Sarah Palin claims her basketball name is Sarah Barracuda
Obama claims to have been born in Hawaii 
Sarah Palin claims to have attended school at Hawaii Hilo and graduated from U of Idaho in Moscow Idaho
Sarah Palin claims to be able to see Russia from her house
Mark Cuban was under investigation for insider trading of a search engine company named Mamma
Sarah Palin claims to be a Mama Grizzly
Obama was a Chicago Senator
Chicago Bears Chicago Cubs Mama Grizzly
Gayle King was a news anchor
Sarah Palin was a news anchorThroughout this page you will slowly learn Sarah Palin's background, name, history, and entire identity is completely fabricated. I know this without a doubt because the people you're about to learn about were targeting me online. Half of Sarah Palin's identity is completely fabricated around myself and my history. 

I don't know about you, but my whole world-view has been destroyed, and I find myself questioning every opinion I have ever had. 
Maybe I was wrong to dismiss Jersey Shore as a valid source of relationship advice. Is the take a penny / leave a penny by the register at Achmed's Gas & Gyros a CIA tracking device? 

Note bulge in head from alien implant

Sometimes when I'm behind someone walking through a doorway, they hold the door for me. Why? How did they know I was also going through that door? Do they have a alien implant embedded deep within my skull? After this, I have to examine every aspect of the world around me.

Now that we know that Sarah Palin is a part of this huge conspiracy, can we assume that she is in cahoots with other conservative figures, right? NO! 


That's right, the conspiracy goes deeper than that. It goes right to the top:

Currency Trader Billionaire George Soros

Guerrilla Marketer Jay Conrad Levinson

Billionaire trader George Soros is said to be responsible for collapsing currencies in Europe on more then one occasion. He has connections to organizations such as; The Apollo Alliance, The Tides Foundation, Open Society and hundreds of others trying to "transform America." Soros has spoken publicly a number of times regarding a New World Order. Some of these look alikes may actually be relatives who share similar traits like these 2 from the eyes down.

On the right is Guerrilla Marketer Jay Conrad Levinson. His name, as well as several others online, appears on something called the GURUDAQ. Several of the aliases these people operate under have political associations. Many of their last names are those of US Senators and Congressman. The word Guerrilla appears to be a play on words referring to Guerrilla Warfare, not marketing. 

My mind is blown. Palin is Soros's trophy wife? Say it ain't so! But it gets worse:


Code or coincidence?
Sarah Palin claims to have graduated for University of Idaho in Moscow Idaho
Sarah claims she can see Russia from her house
The longtime leader of Russia was Vladimir Putin
Putin Palin
McCain claimed his favorite band is ABBA which is a palindrome
Another palindrome is the last name of George SoRoS
Long time enemy of Israel is Palestine
The Palin name appears close to many things

Now this conspiracy involves the hot hot Sarah Palin as well as the King of Prussia, Vladimir Putin. I now see why she can see Russia from her house.


Duplication of code or coincidence?
Sarah Palin's siblings names are Heather Heath Bruce and Molly Heath McCann. Sarah Palin's daughter Piper, the name of a plane, shares a birthday of March 19th with actor Bruce Willis. 

CEO of Oracle Larry Ellison

Character in first Die Hard named Ellis

The name Oracle is from their first project with the CIA, operation code name Oracle. Oracle is a software giant with many government contracts. It's in the business of developing and marketing web based database software solutions. They also acquired Sun Microsystems who is a large supplier of hardware such as servers. 

I thought that Die Hard guy was fishy all along. Something just wasn't right about him. Now we know. Hiding in plain sight, that's always the best way.

Is this Obama without the facepaint?

So what is it that these shady figures are trying to accomplish? Well, Aaron is a little unclear about that. Apparently, most of this was to support the election of an obscure African national to the highest office in the land. The exact mechanism of this is unclear, but it certainly happened at some point.


With something this big, I know you're are thinking: So, why haven't I heard about this before? Aaron Fleszar has that covered too:


As for the media, don't expect them to report on this. The corporate media initially gave Obama a free pass. Now they appear to be cooperating with the Feds for the most part by distributing misinformation everyday. They want to make it impossible for anyone to connect point A to point B. It appears the Pentagon has recruited writers and editors to conduct their psychological operations. Media websites are now heavily moderated, posts deleted, and the topics all controlled by Washington. The Pentagon is using the liberal biased media to beat up on itself. All popular news sites have comments flowing into them from an NSA software program. If you respond to these comments they will attempt to engage you in a conversation. (basically figure out if you're friend or foe). This was all started after the death of Osama story shut down commenting for a week on Yahoo News. You and I are the media now. Spreading this information is the most patriotic thing you can do for America and democracy.

The red lines are only visible from space!

Of course, the Pentagon! Working with the NSA and the liberal media. That's why he had to start the blog, you see. Take the information right to the people by leaving seemingly deranged comments on news stories. It's genius.






So what's the plan, man? What can we do about this? This:


If you really want to ensure our democracy and help catch all the bad guys leak this story everywhere
1. I strongly recommend sharing this on Facebook and other social networking sites.
2. Email this and send out a Tweet asking other to do the same
3. Post it to daily news stories and any story that "occupying" protesters may be reading. You don't have to say much, the domain itself says plenty. If the site doesn't allow hyperlinks, just type a sentence or so and something like; Search PalinsDirtyLittleSecret for the biggest cover up in history. This brings in a lot of traffic.

Bookmark this site since I will continue to update it. I'm afraid to overwhelm anyone with too much information so I'm trying to keep this fairly simple for now as if that's even possible.

Ever seen these two
in the same place?

So, there you have it. All you have to do to save the world from Sarah Palin and George Soros is to spam your friends and family on Facebook. That's probably why Bill Gates invented facebook and hired porn store mop boy Mark Zuckerberg to run it. It's all about FarmVille; and it always was.


Accept the invite.
Accept the invite.






So where do we go from here? As I see it, Aaron Fleszar has proved conclusively that:

• Sarah Palin is almost certainly Fidel Castro in drag
• Jimmy Carter took notes from Ted Danson when he took over the USA
• Any time the letters "P", "A", or "L" are used in a word, this is a clue to the conspiracy. 23 other letters of the alphabet are also involved
• The CIA, FBI, NSA, PTA, and GFR are conspiring to do something to someone about something
• And finally, that he is capable of typing long string of unconnected words

Please go to Aaron's website yourself. The "truth" is out there. Somewhere. Really. I'm almost sure of it. 

If you liked this, please feel free to view these finely crafted links:

Help me use sharp objects on my genitalia

Help a mother in pain find her child

Need Roommate - must like cats - and being groomed by cats

My open letter to the Indianapolis Colts about their crappy website

From: Scott Bolander

To: dan.plumlee@colts.nfl.net; webmaster@colts.com; jim.irsay@colts.com; jirsay@colts.com; irsayj@colts.com

The facebook thing on your colts.com website that scrolls out from the left side of the screen whenever you foolishly move your mouse in that area is about the most annoying website “feature” I have seen in years. I go to porn and gambling sites that have less annoying moving ads. Daily.

Is it REALLY that important to try to trick people into clicking on it that you have to annoy the hell out of everyone in the process? Don’t you guys want people to like you as you are? Do you really have to trick them?

The sad thing is, I have ALREADY “liked” you guys on facebook! Shouldn’t it at least spare me and just screw over the bastards who hold out? Why not punish them?

I have been in IT for years and was doing things on the internet while you were still in grade school, and I have never seen something this annoying and pointless on a legitimate website.

I accidentally clicked on the damn thing three times when I was trying to pause the press conference today. I’m a IT guy, what do you think that Ma and Pa Kettle are experiencing? Each time I had to reload the video and wait for it to spool up so I could get back to where I had been.

On another note, your video player does not allow you to skip ahead unless you download the whole damn video (which seems to be running on a server in someone’s basement with a fat 56k pipe). What, you guys get free bandwidth or something? It’s like something from 2002. Go to youtube, go to espn, go to . . . well anywhere, really. I cannot even remember the last time I watched a video that would not let you skip ahead until it buffered the entire thing.

I wish I had the time to create some sort of flash app that runs from this e-mail, so that every time you tried to close it, reply, or delete, something moved in your way. Maybe my rectal MRIs or pictures of my cats – you know, something that you do not care about and do not want to see, constantly blocking you from performing legitimate actions.

It’s always possible that this is some sort of vandalism, you *could* have been hacked by a patriots fan or something.

Maybe I’ll tweet something to the owner, Mr. Irsay about it, because I can’t imagine that you or anyone else still with the organization actually comes and looks at the site. Because anyone in a position of power who has any kind of normal sensibilities would not allow something like that to exist.

This picture describes how I think the person who thought a annoying LIKE US thing sliding all over the screen sees the poor bastards who come looking at colts.com:

A typical colts fan "enjoying" colts.com

Please make it stop.

Scott Bolander

http://www.bluesundaycolts.com

http://www.rantsandpranks.com

True love is hard to find - without craigslist

Everyone knows that craigslist is the best place to purchase dialysis equipment, food, Rolex watches, and used underwear.  But did you know you can find true love there too?  I didn't.


Check out this heartwarming post:

Because Tom Cruise is NOT Gay!

The Spider: Nature's Handmaiden or Tool of Satan?

I was having a vigorous debate with a local Wuss the other day.  Here is a excerpt:


Scott: I fucking hate spiders.  They should all die.


Wuss: Spiders aren’t so bad.


Scott: If I ever got godlike powers, they would all die.


Wuss: Spiders are beneficial, they eat other insects you know.


Scott: So we are keeping spiders around so they will eat the other insects?  Fuck them too.  I’ll buy an extra can of raid.


Wuss: You can’t get rid of the spiders, they are an important part of the ecosystem.


Scott: The fucking Earth will adjust.  The planet didn’t fucking implode when the last dodo died, did it?


Wuss: It would cause some sort of problem.  What would the birds eat?


Scott: They can eat each other for all I care.  Were the birds crying for me when they stopped making Dino Pebbles cereal?  I don’t fucking think so.  Ok, I can compromise.  I would just have a radius of 25 miles around me that any insect closer than 25 miles would instantly vaporize.


Wuss: Get serious.


Scott: I am serious; I’m talking 25 miles up and down too.  I don’t need bugs under my feet.  And fuck vaporizing them, I don’t want to be breathing bug fumes – they all get instantly teleported into the center of the sun.

I think I got my point across, don't you?  

Also, here is a poster that neatly sums all this up:

Another Sad Niche Magazine

Avoiding Personal Organization and Increasing Clutter

The other day I had to go to my doctor after discovering yet another disease I probably have (Google is great for this).  


Doctors are so busy nowadays, mine doesn't even let me make appointments anymore.  So I find that if I wait all day I can usually see her when she is walking out to her car to go home.


This time whilst I waited, I grabbed this fascinating magazine: 

Even in Star Trek, patients should always read the label and package inserts

Little known to most viewers, the Trek universe did have it's own version of medical disclaimers.  Due to certain issues that I was plagued with in Church, I choose to only focus on the ones dealing with Viagra-like side effects:


In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – kick Nancy Crater out of your quarters and wash the salt off your junk.


In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – This is completely normal during Pon Farr.  Perhaps call the Nurse in just to make sure everything is ok.


In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours – let the bitch run out in front of a car.

FWD: FWD: FWD: Pllleeeeessseeee!!!!! AL-QAEDA USING EMAIL HOAXES TO KILL CHILDREN AND PUPPIES!!!!!!

I know this is TRUE it was on GOOD MORNING AMERICA, NBC, CBS, ABC, AND THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL and has been verified by SNOPES!!!!


TERROISTS are using EMAIL HOAXES to disseminate intelligence to coordinate suicide attacks against PRESCHOOLERS AND PUPPIES!!!!!


The FBI and HOMELAND SECURITY is desperate to stop this and is asking for your help!!!!  They ask that you would please DO NOT FORWARD ANYMORE HOAX E-MAILS!!!!!!


Just last week, 57 year old Margie Snowrobin of Sarasota Florida forwarded a e-mail to everyone in her family claiming that Barrack Obama was using the Lincoln Bedroom to harvest black market human organs for the Red Chinese.  Unknown to her at the time was that this e-mail actually was the last in a set of instructions to a TERRORIST CELL in Macon Georgia that caused a DAYCARE TO BE DEMOLISHED by a carefully engineered EXPLOSIVE PUPPY!!!!!  Twenty-seven NEGLECTED CHILDREN and eight unmarriageable and uneducated women lost their lives.


Upon hearing of this Margie promptly licked all the tops of a six pack of coca cola and immediately DIED since she did not wash the RAT PISS off of the tops of the cans.




Last month in Sacramento California, 73 year old Margaret Mooseknuckle of Mesa Arizona forwarded a email to her entire address book which claimed that there was a computer virus out there that would delete your entire hard drive as well as key sequences of your DNA, causing your offspring to be born spastic midgets with learning disabilities.


This email was actually A CODED MESSAGE TO A TERRORIST CELL in Batavia Ohio which triggered an attack on a PUPPY STORE using a carefully engineered EXPLOSIVE CHILD!!!!!  Thirty-five neglected PUPPIES and five unmarriageable and uneducated women lost their lives!!!!!


Mrs Mooseknuckle was so distraught that she went right out and drove in the SNOW with her CRUISE CONTROL ON! Her car immediately EXPLODED and the car swerved off the road and plummeted onto a beached whale!




So PLEEESSSEEEEE don't forward any more of these HOAX emails!!!!  IF YOU DO - YOU ARE KILLING PUPPIES AND LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!


PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.  ALSO, GO THROUGH ALL OF YOUR DELETED EMAIL AND COPY DOWN ALL THE EMAIL ADDRESSES THAT WERE ALSO IN THE "TO" SECTION OF EVERY E-MAIL YOU HAVE EVER RECEIVED AND ADD THOSE TOO!!!!!!!




For more hoaxes:
Please help with important research!


Help me use sharp objects on my genitalia

Joe's wife got "rooted"

Oh, you are part Indian? How quaint...

I was talking to my friend David Berkowitz the other day and I mentioned that I was part Swedish.  He tells me he was part German and Irish.  And he adds: Oh, a little bit of Indian too.

That got me thinking.  Every time that this comes up in conversation, I've got some person telling me that they are part Indian.

How is this possible?  Just exactly how much “Indian on Pioneer” sex was going on anyways?  Is that where the term “American Indian” came from?  Is that an American getting nailed by an Indian?

So, how did this work? 

I can see it going like this:

Pioneer:  I trade pretty glass beads and firewater for all this land – far as the eye can see

Chief:  That good deal – also fuk-em you squaws

Pioneer:  Well, that goes without saying

This stuff didn’t make it into the history books.  What did make it into the books was horribly misrepresented, like “the Little Big Horn”.  *That* sure is transparent.  I imagine that “The massacre at Wounded Knee” was some sort of Monica Lewinsky thing.

Anyways, I thought we “beat” the Indians – how is it that they’re nailing *our* chicks?  If anything, Indians should be going around telling everybody that they are 85% Cherokee and 15% Dutch-Irish or something.

There are people out there that say we stole America from the Indians – our collective family trees say otherwise.