Thursday, June 4, 2015

Traditional Anniversary Presents: How changing traditions destroyed my marriage

No, if I had gotten a lobotomy I'd
think I'd remember it
I was thinking to myself the other day that I had not heard from my wife for a few days. At least I think it was a few days. Not totally sure, I'm really just going by the number of times I've ritualistically slammed my forehead into the support beam in my living room. I came up with 3063, so three days worth.

There is uncertainty since the process itself can cause lapses in memory (along with incontinence, night terrors, and a slight increase of multiple personalities. Even worse, it can cause memory problems.

Don't stare! My vaginal rejuvenation 
surgery is not till next month..
That is why I consulted a doctor before starting this process. He said it was fine and to do it as much as I could stand. At least I'm pretty sure that's what he said, but to be honest the acoustics weren't idea and he couldn't leave his post at the fried elephant ear stand.
And before you get too excited: No, they are NOT real elephant ears. So don't waste your money, just wait until you get home and you can eat the real thing.

Anyways, I had not heard from my wife in a few days. Usually this is a good thing; sound-proofing the basement was not cheap. So I actually never hear from her at all; which I think you'd agree is pretty rude.

I don't often write on my calendar,
but when I do I write in blood.
Upon checking my calendar, I found that our first anniversary was coming soon. We originally eloped - which is the most romantic thing in the world. This came as a complete surprise to her friends and family. The wife even was shocked, although she came around to my way of thinking after a few hours of testing her bindings.

Oh man that reminds me of our wedding planning. I'm the one who wanted a church wedding, protection orders and protesters be damned. But no, all she would talk about is contacting the police, or my psychiatrists, or her family. Basically she was against the whole idea. You would think that maybe she's an atheist, but she prays every moment of the day when her gag's off. My mom always said that church folk were hypocrites - usually after the pastor had eaten breakfast with us again.

Keep your dog out of my back yard!
He's pestering my ex-girlfriend.

The pastor once asked me if I'd like a new daddy. Being that I was too naive to lie, I told him I wasn't done eating the last one yet. He never followed up and I didn't see him around as much after that. It was actually pretty damaging to my psyche, it was like losing my father again - but without the leftovers.

I think my wife does regret not having the "big church wedding." But I keep telling her that even though there are thousands of volunteers sweeping the fields and woods in a ten mile square around her home, it doesn't necessarily mean they all would have attended the wedding.

MSNBC is sooo much better since we
stopped paying the cable bill
That's kind of a big deal and there's a lot of people out there with egg on their faces. If I had a nickel for every time some complete stranger on TV predicted that "time was running out" and that "these situations usually end in death within 36 hours" I'd have even more nickels than I have now.

And that reminds me - I had a psychiatrist tell me that the people on the TV weren't talking about me. I worked out a "fix" for that though. Let me ask you one question - if you were in this situation, and you went on a killing spree so horrific that everyone on TV was talking about you; does this mean that you're not insane anymore?

I asked this question of my psychiatrist, and he ignored it. "Cat got your tongue?" I asked. Nothing. Turns out the cat did have his tongue; and his eyes. Tobermory, you fucking greedy cat - you didn't even finish the prostitute from yesterday, yet here you are stealing my food?

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that maybe if you just keep agreeing with me that I'll eventually let you go. Oh when I think of all the people who were wrong about that. Anyways - what were we talking about?

Just assume it's paint.
Oh yeah, getting a gift for my lovely wife. I really struggled with this. My wife is a demanding person and really is pretty damn tough to please. One example would be her reaction to the two week anniversary gift I gave her (I'm the sentimental type). I got her the cutest puppy you ever did see. She was not happy AT ALL. What's in the box and why does it smell so bad? And after she'd opened it, all she did was scream and cry. What a high-maintenance bitch!
All she did was complain!

I knew she was lying about not liking it: I got it from her apartment! And I think I did a pretty good job collecting all of the pieces. That's just how I show my love: going the extra mile.

But she kept going on and on about how it was dead and all. Typical female hypocrisy - SHE was the one who hadn't fed little Maxwell J Barkwellingston (ick) for over fourteen days! What did she think would happen?

After this incident, as well as subsequent identical incidents involving each person and animal pictured on the walls of her apartment; I still could not make her love me. Hell, I'd be happy if she just stopped spitting on me when I got in range. It got so bad that I contemplated suicide; but she wouldn't go for it. Well, even I can learn eventually. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of perseverance.

How about you give a me a
2nd pearl necklace?
My salvation came when I saw a commercial for Zales that seemed to infer that a gift of jewelry would result in some unspecified sexual act being performed in gratitude. This excited me as the ol' ball & chain had yet to consciously participate in such acts. Whether this was due to some incompatibility, misunderstanding, or discomfort with the actual ball & chain attached to her leg is still unclear.

So I gave her a very nice ring. I thought this would be a slam dunk as this is something she already liked - although hers were falling off due to her rapid weight loss; just like much of her teeth and hair (I'm not even going into what happened when I tried to replace those). I've put her on the paleo diet, just like our ancestors ate 20,000 years ago. Her decision to eschew her diet of goat intestines and brains has caused her to rapidly lose weight. (Guys, take note). When she puts her mind to it, she can do anything. Well, everything except digging out of the basement. No one ever expects to dig into a septic tank and she was no exception. And they really don't expect that septic tank to be stocked with aggressive carnivorous crabs. Ask me how I know.

If anything, the ring was was met with even more distain than the previous gifts. Apparently used jewelry is not good enough for little Miss "Please let me go, I'll do anything you want. Just don't hurt me." Blah blah blah. And women wonder why we don't listen to them! Guys? Am I right??

Where butter fails, pinking shears succeed
It was my fault really. Had I took more care cleaning the ring then she would have never known. But you miss a few tiny finger bones and a painted nail - and all the sudden it's like she doesn't appreciate the effort at all. Seriously, how am I supposed to buy new jewelry on my mother's social security checks? They just don't go as far as they used to.

My mom complained about this all the time while she was living. I eventually took steps to stop the noises coming out of her whore hole; although at first it actually increased. Persistence is the key; you have to keep going no matter the obstacles, laws, morays, etc. Even the surprisingly wiry strength of a nearly blind 70 year old diabetic woman shouldn't stop you from your goal. But seriously, was she in the Israeli army or something?

I first learned this lesson this from my father. A negative example actually. If he had just stuck to his guns when I was a kid, then at least he would have been able to return fire as I pumped bullet after bullet into his quivering body.

They say that you're much more likely to get shot by a family member as opposed to a stranger. This proved untrue as he was unarmed; but I wasn't. So I guess it's like most sayings, partly true, partly false. Just like when they say to never throw money at a problem. I got mixed results with this one. I actually enjoyed it, but the people forty stories below on the street weren't happy with the silver dollars I rained down on them. Money doesn't get you happiness; giving away money in the form of deadly projectiles surely does.
You are even more
beautiful than before you
scratched my cornea.

Sometimes the ungratefulness of people makes me wonder why I even got into public service. Then I remember that I'm a people person; that's why I got married to a people. Previous marriage attempts with non-people proved unfulfilling and ultimately resulted in numerous criminal charges and a permanent ban from that petting zoo.

I know you've heard it before, but that alpaca was really asking for it. Just ask Dr. Stabby McStabstab, famous zoologist; though you'll have to wait until it's his turn to control my body.

I'm afraid that I've gone far afield of our original subject, so lets get back to that.

Gifts. That was it. I went to my next door neighbors to use his computer. I always use his computer instead of mine. That way the FBI guys that come pouring out of those vans break down his door instead of mine.

I searched for gifts for the wife. And I found a lot of stuff that looked cool - but if she didn't like the other gifts, so why would the stuff in my neighbor's house be any different? So, using his computer, I searched for "traditional gifts for anniversary." This where the story starts to get strange.

Why can't a woman take after a man? 'Cause
men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
According to this site that came up, the traditional gift for the first anniversary is paper. Really. This proves that my previous wives had all lied to me when they insisted on ridiculous gifts like "freedom" or "handcuff keys." It goes to prove that women don't know what they want at all. Like when they keep asking to be released. When I tried that all she did was try to deflect the knife. I'm just tired of the mixed signals. Why can't women be more like me?

So I went to the paper store (it's not what you think, they only sell paper there) and asked them about it. The stupid clerk just got this scared look on her face, and kept asking me if I was ok (like she's never seen someone covered in a quart of blood before), then she saw my ax and just ran away screaming. Customer service has truly gone to shit in this country. I only had the ax with me because they had one of those "no guns" signs. And a ax is not a gun. Cause guns are bad. In fact, did I tell you that my dad was killed? Yes you guessed it, with a gun.

And also yes (before you ask), it was his gun. But the irony was lost on him as he never saw me coming. He was foolish to trust a gun safe when all it takes is a blowtorch and a hammer chisel to open it.

Now I know what you're thinking - is this guy mentally ill, or is he just trying to be funny?

I personally resent that you don't think I can be both.