Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Great Wolf Lodge's war on illegal drugs, sodomy, and me . . .

Great Wolf Lodge: Fierce blood-thirsty
predators will keep your kids in line
I was looking into an extended stay at the Great Wolf Lodge (an indoor family water park and hotel, where there are certainly no cameras in the showers) while my house is being fumigated. That's a weird story in itself - the first exterminator I called ran out of my house screaming - wait, I should have worded that better - Ok, he did run out of my house (which I call 'House Screaming'), but I'm pretty sure he was only whimpering at that point. I mean yes, he did scream a little at first, but by the time he got out the door he was out of breath. I think he might have hyperventilated there a bit. Isn't that strange? I mean air is good for you, so why wouldn't a lot of air be better? 

Just gimme a little taste . . .
You would think so, but as the insulin battle I had with my grandmother taught me, you really can have too much of a good thing - the paramedics, police, medical examiner, and judge were all very clear on that point. 
Apparently, *I* was
the one out of order

They also said something about my Grandmother being more of what you would call a random stranger, and she wasn't even diabetic! 

So, why did she want the insulin sooo much? I could tell she wanted it. Sure, she fought a bit at first - but just for show. 

My lawyers claimed they had never seen the phrases "defensive wounds" and "livestock syringe" together in so many places in a trial transcript. So, there's that.

I hear that fences make
good neighbors . . .
Anyways, about an hour after the first exterminator rudely drove through my neighbor's yard in his haste to leave, several FEMA trucks showed up, and about twenty guys in bio-hazard suits poured out like roaches from a Denny's. Then they just started lobbing tear gas canisters into my house. Why does this keep happening to me?

Fortunately, I was across the street hiding in my neighbor's bushes (it was a Tuesday after all). 
She just flaunts what she has, clearly she doesn't care who sees. 

I mean, she has to know that if anyone peers through the .25" gap between her blinds (after jamming your head under the security bars) that they could literally see everything in the upper right side of her pantry. So, it's like right in your face.

Each time this happens it gets harder for
me to get my damage deposit back
Anyways, after watching them burn down my house (and the two houses on either side of mine) with flamethrowers, I realized that I needed temporary housing. 

And yes, had they asked, I certainly would have been forthcoming about the tied up nuns and pipe bombs in the basement. 

Normally I would just house-sit for that neighbor of mine that lives half the year in Florida, but he fired me and changed the locks. Well, fired might not be the right word. Actually, prosecuted might be a better fit there. Yeah, prosecuted. I always get those two mixed up, I've heard them used together so often.

Can you make the letters bigger?
My blindness is acting up today
So, I contacted the Great Wolf Lodge's chat support. But did they care that what used to be my house is now a fifty foot deep concrete pad, surrounded by several layers of barbed wire fence and armed guard? 

No they couldn't care less:

The perfect ending to a Great Wolf day

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Fixing Wikipedia - Troy Boyle revealed?

Man, that was a mean Tranny!
I was searching Wikipedia for ways to neutralize the mace that got sprayed in my eyes while doing pro bono quality control at Victoria's Secret this morning, and I happened upon a article on a former co-worker of mine.

Since it was quite sparse on details, I took the opportunity to flesh it out a bit. I think you'll agree that this is much better than the original; as the former version was based on reality.

I know that Troy is happy with the changes I have made, because he has been calling to thank me repeatedly for the last several hours. Now that I am done posting this, I will finally be able to answer the phone.

Oh, and Troy, when you read this, bear in mind that I no longer live where I used to.
The Police can't excavate your
basement - if you don't have one.
Don't waste your time looking for me, I don't often park my home in the same shopping center for more than a day or two.